Over the last few weeks as I’ve spoken to others there has been a reoccurring theme dealing with self-value or self-worth. You may not think that this is a big deal unless you know someone or you yourself have issues with your self-esteem. Some, but not all with this issue will say I’m sorry way too often. Others take this to mean that the words don’t hold meaning, as they are said so often, however, that isn’t the truth. The truth is that the person is genuinely sorry. They have taken on the blame and responsibility for others that no matter who’s to blame when something goes wrong they feel it is their fault.
Someone post a cartoon earlier this week that said to use the words Thank you instead of I’m sorry and in some cases that might work. Showing your gratitude about someone spending time with you instead of feeling like you’ve imposed on them is certainly a great way to re-frame the situation for all concerned. However, it doesn’t work in all cases. This still doesn’t get to the root of why the person says Sorry, it just kind of glosses over it. So while they put on a smile and say thank you, you have to wonder what is really going on in the persons head. Are they just putting on a false front, a mask per say because they know you can’t stand them saying sorry.
How about this instead? How about asking them why they say it? Ask them why they feel that way? By taking time to pose a few questions you may open a dialogue that will help them change. By making them realize that things aren’t always there fault they can learn to only take responsibility for themselves and not the world.
Think of this if you can open a dialogue or at least get them thinking maybe they can then go back and see where these feelings originated from; where they began to take the blame. In most cases it stems from a past event and unfortunately it is most likely from when they were a child. It could’ve been what some would consider a small thing. It could be something major or it could be something that was a reoccurring theme. The person or persons that caused them to feel this way could be a whole cast of characters from loved ones to a bully, no matter who it was it is something that still makes those feelings come to the surface.
In most cases it’s because they haven’t been willing to look at where those feeling comes from. Going within for answers is one of the hardest things, because you may discover things long buried and hidden. A great image to think of is from The Empire Strikes Back and Luke goes into the cave and finds himself confronting Vader only to see his own face looking back at him under the mask.
In our society we don’t deal with feelings in most cases we medicate in numerous different ways to avoid doing the work; an escape from a day, the week or even the past, something to truly numb us. No one really wants to deal with the ugliness that might be lurking inside.
Truth is that if we look at the darkness and work through it, we can embrace the light much better. As an adult we can look back at the people who wronged us and forgive. Re-frame their actions as well as ours. I’m not talking about rewriting history; I’m speaking of taking all the pieces of the puzzle and looking closely, looking for clues or patterns. Seeking a release from the past hurts and sadness. Letting go and cleansing our soul. By letting go of the responsibility of others actions in the past and truly seeing that none of it was our fault we can release and cut the cord to that burden.
So how does this tie into self-worth? So, there is another characteristic of the person that may not have the best idea of their worth and that is the people pleaser. They are always willing to help no matter what. Their friends many consider them Convenient as they know they will always be there no matter what. Truth is part of the reason they are a people pleaser is because they are always looking for outside validation. They want to please because they are complimented or told how wonderful they are for doing this. (Please don’t take this to mean that all acts of kindness are done for this reason. Even the people pleaser does truly want to help. It is just that there is a little something extra in it for them.)
I’m sure at this point, if you still reading you are wondering where all this is leading, well it is simple. A person that questions their value is normally seeking it outside themselves. Whether it be through praise or some status symbol. The truth is our Self Worth should come from no one else but us. At times it’s hard when you are still stuck in the, I’m sorry mode because you can’t get out of your own head. The negative tapes that have played for so long aren’t easy to erase and yes very much like any other addiction they can come back playing their golden oldie, Negative Self Talk. But by taking time and sorting through the muck you can get past it. You can see your positives emerge. Even better you aren’t self-sabotaging by giving others the power to make you feel less than you are. You’re owning you, all parts and you know your worth.
© 2016 copyright D.M. Needom, Readings by Dauna and ReadingsbyDauna@aol.com all rights reserved. Except for the shared image.